Building towards A Future Together: Why Men Need Feminism Too
Jessica Yamane

Men as well as women can benefit from feminism. That is, a feminist lense is a tool that can help begin to deconstruct the gender roles which are often so rigidly defined for us by our patriarchal society. Within this patriarchal society, men are usually construed as the predominant gender and are often assumed to have more aggressive and assertive tendencies. Conversely, women are expected to be more passive, gentle, and self-sacrificing. In light of these qualities most men, as well as most women would prefer to be male and to be thus imbued with that structural dominance that is believed to be inherent within masculinity. Yet what is often overlooked by this perspective is that although patriarchy does privilege men more than women it also restricts men in ways in which women are not constrained. This mainly lies in the ways that women are granted agency to be expressive and to give voice to their emotions.

To start, let us begin with an outline of what feminism is not. First, despite popular propagation, feminists do not hate men. Rather, I would go so far as to argue that those women who use “hating men” as their basis for identifying as “feminists” are mislead and confused. As much as individuals need to be held accountable, men are a product of their upbringing and neither women nor men can escape the grasp of patriarchy. Indeed, the national bestselling author and revered feminist theorist bell hooks puts forth the opinion that, “The most vicious man-hating comments are always made by women who are with men and who plan to be with them for the rest of their lives” (hooks 176). This statement touches on one of the ways in which men are constrained by patriarchy and how women are subsequently affected in that men are taught from a young age that it is a weakness to express emotion and to show care. hooks uses the example of her parent’s marriage as an example of the crippling and degenerating effect of patriarchy on any relationship:
After forty-nine years of marriage, my mother is angry with our dad. The perfect subordinated wife, now when they are both over seventy years in age, is upset that he is not more emotionally giving. Mama’s anger masks her fear that any day now she could die without ever feeling loved by the man she has devoted her entire life to pleasing (hooks 176).
Thus, most feminists not only realize the need for the men in their lives, but they also yearn to feel loved by them. In addition, it doesn’t matter what the woman’s sexuality is, she wishes to receive love whether that is in the form of a friend’s care, a brother’s affection, a father’s tenderness, a lover’s intimacy, or a husband’s devotion. Unfortunately, teaching boys and men how to love is an often unexamined and ignored aspect of feminist thinking and practice. But the connection between feminism, love, and masculinity is an important one to analyze. The concept of feminine masculinity is defined here by bell hooks, “Feminine masculinity presupposes that it is enough for males to be to have value, that they do not have to ‘do,’ to ‘perform,’ to be affirmed and loved. Rather than defining strength as ‘power over,’ feminist masculinity defines strength as one’s capacity to be responsible for self and others. This strength is a trait that males and females need to possess” (hooks 117). This is an important interpretation for women and men to make in order to reclaim and to experience anew the fulfillment that emotionally rich relationships will bring to those involved.

We live in a patriarchal society which places a limit on women’s and especially men’s emotional expression. Forebodingly, the repercussions of living in this suffocating and emotionally repressive society derail innocent lives yet “experts” refuse to fault the underlying structure of patriarchy and instead present instances of violence as socially isolated anomalies. Prevalent across families and ethnic groups in our society, boys are taught to mask their emotions. Unfortunately, the stress of a lifetime of emotional inhibition intensifies as a boy approaches adolescence. Making the situation worse, the only male emotion that is deemed as a “natural expression” within our patriarchal culture is anger (hooks 7). This being said, it is blind and irresponsible that within our patriarchal culture, pundits continue to identify the rampages such as Columbine and Virginia Tech as unique occurrences within our society involving isolated incidences of problematic and troubled boys. Realistically, in light of the proliferation of mass media images of male violence and dominance which teach boys that anger and violence is alluring and satisfying, it is surprising that more of these “isolated” cases don’t occur. Sadly, we lack the volition and vision to construct environments that are nurturing towards both boys’ and girls’ emotional development.

In this day and age, today’s typical American parents approach their son’s teenage years with a mixture of apprehension and fear. This is because an unnecessary expectation has been engendered that posits that happy and cheerful boys will degenerate into sulky and monolithic teenagers. And yet, male teenager’s anti-social behavior is often accepted as normal and as part of the normal process towards becoming an autonomous adult (hooks 43). Yet as theorist bell hooks notes, “Recent studies indicate that it is actually emotionally damaging to young males to be isolated and without emotional care and nurturance” (hooks 43). In a way, this statement should be accepted almost derisively because it is so obvious. After all, teenage girls adjust into more independent roles and begin to create a more healthy distance from their parents without having to become anti-social beings (hooks 43). Within a society that imbibes patriarchal doctrine, males who are capable of never revealing emotion are perceived as stronger and more masculine. Yet in reality, this frame of thinking leaves many teenage boys misunderstood, alone and confused. In many prisons, isolation is used as a form of discipline to break a person’s spirit. Ironically, we deplore this form of psychological torture even as we allow the boys in our lives to drift farther and farther way.

Since the contents of this ‘Zine mainly focuses on the struggles against women’s oppression, I choose to focus here on ways in which women can ally with men. There are several ways in which this can be accomplished. First, a shift in our understanding of gender roles is necessary. Women cannot (nor, realistically could they ever) expect the men in their lives to be the solid rocks upon which they could perennially depend. Rather, women must be willing to offer their shoulders and to trust in their inherent strength and wisdom to not only receive support but also provide it. Of course, on their end, men must be courageous enough to indicate that they need and value that support. Both sides need to acknowledge that often as much courage is needed to admit vulnerability as is needed to stand by a loved one’s side during difficult times. Moreover, women cannot react with ridicule or devalue their men’s masculinity when they break down and reveal heartfelt emotion. Even bell hooks admits that this was initially difficult as she explains why she would freak out when her partner would talk openly about his feelings, “Many women cannot hear male pain about love because it sounds like an indictment of female failure. Sexist norms have taught us that loving is our task whether in our role as mothers or lovers or friends, if men say they are not loved, then we are at fault” (hooks 7). This faulty logic excuses men from the necessity to develop their own emotional capacity to love and to love deeply. And obviously, this stunting of emotional growth not only hurts the individual man but also the woman whom he chooses to share his life with, his children, and all those that are close.

It is crucial that men and women come to understand that patriarchy oppresses across gender lines. Not only that but both men and women are complicit in maintaining patriarchy. This is a point that bell hooks comments upon as noted in this example of women perpetrating patriarchal values, “Many mothers in patriarchal culture silence the wild spirit in their sons, the spirit of wonder and playful tenderness, for fear their sons will be weak, will not be prepared to be macho men, real men, men other men will envy and looks up to” (hooks 137). This cycle of violence and hurt will not end unless someone is willing to take a stand. Accordingly, dismantling injustices and liberating our imaginations from patriarchal values is a work that men and women must complete together. It is necessary that we collectively imagine and move towards a future that is freed from the oppressions of patriarchy.